Rock Lee's Dating Service!
by Natsyourlord
Summary: Rock Lee secretly gives dating advice to the male shinobi in Konoha! Ends unexpectedly, All of Lee's advice is weird. A tiny bit of fluff, I guess. REVIEWS WELCOME! Sorry... on hiatus right now, people...
1. The Dumbest Deaths Possible

Okay, peoples. Short, quick ficcie that is COMPLETE HUMOR. And it gets better, coz this is ROCK LEE HUMOR! WEEE! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

**Rock Lee's Dating Service**

_(Note: SSasuke and LLee)_

S: Uhm... hi, Lee.

L: Hello, Sasuke!

S: Look, I... I need... I NEED SOME ADVICE!

L: Will the fountain of youth allow this information to be given off?

S: Well, I guess. Proba- wait, of course! Look, can we just get on with it?

L: Okay! What sort of advice do you need?

S: Um... well, it's, um... (quietly) dating advice...

L: HAHAHAHAHAHA! My friend, you have come to the right place! Welcome to Rock Lee's dating service! (Puts an arm around Sasuke. Sasuke looks uncomfortable.)

S: er...

L: Now, who's the girl?

S: ...I don't want to say.

L: Alright, then describe her.

S: Well, she's a kunoichi, has beautiful eyes; I think I could stare into them all day. She's average height, got _really _soft hair that blows in the wind, and a smooth complexion.

L: Sounds like a looker!

S: Yeah, and that's not all! Her personality's great, too. She's smart, funny, kind...

L: And you want to ask this girl out on a date?

S: Yeah, I guess. But the problem is, in the manga I run off to Orochimaru's place to become stronger, even though, I could just take a gun and _shoot _Itachi, but apparently I'm supposed to be too stupid and conceited to think of that option, even though I'm at the risk of Orochimaru taking over my body any second. And I can't go out with her while Itachi's still alive, because he might kill her to make me suffer!

L: Owch.

S: Yeah, no kidding.

L: What you need is to make the girl feel special without anybody knowing. If she knows it's you, so will Itachi. Drop off some beef stroganoff at her house for dinner one night!

S: Why beef stroganoff?

L: Because it's yummy and tasty and warm...

S: (slowly stepping away from Lee) Right... anything else?

L: Yes! Kiss her as soon as you finish your youthful training! Take her on a date! Propose marriage!

S: But that's all way too obvious!

L: So? This is a fanfic, right? About a million miles away from here, Itachi could be getting blown up from saying the Zeeky words!

S: What the hell are the Zeeky words? And why would Itachi blow up from saying them?

_One million miles away... (IItachi and RARandom Akasuki)_

I: Yes! We have finally learned the Zeeky words that make nuculear explosions happen! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

RA: It's pronounced nuclear.

I: That's what I said. Nuculear.

RA: Riiiight... And what are the Zeeky words again?

I: Zeeky Boogy Doog! (Nuclear explosion, screams)

_Back at Konoha..._

S: Well, that was stupid.

L: Yes! Now that this Itachi person is gone, all we need to do is take care of Orochimaru!

S: But the only way we can do that is if something really stupid happened, like if he said "Blah," and then his head popped off! Or if he saw Naruto in the shower!

_At a random fitness club... (OOrochimaru and NNaruto)_

O: Now, all I need is a nice shower. (Opens shower curtain, sees naked Naruto showering)

N: What the hell! Pervert! Are you working for Jiraya, you asshole!

O: Sorry, sorry!

N: I'll forgive you if you read that sign over there.

O: You mean the one that says _Dating tip: Drop off beef stroganoff at your girlfriend's house!_, right?

N: Uh, no, the other one.

O: Oh, you mean the one that says _blah. _(Orochimaru's head pops off, Naruto cheers)

_Back at Konoha (again)..._

S: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

L: Now, why don't you go to the Yamanaka flower shop and buy this girl some flowers, then drop them off at her door?

S: That's the first good idea I've heard all day. What kind of flowers should I get?

L: Make them match her personality, or maybe her name. What's her name?

S: (incoherent mumbling)

L: What?

S: (very quietly) S'ur'ka.

L: What?

S: Sakura, okay!

L: TT But _I _am in love with Sakura!

S: Thanks for the advice, Lee. Uh, later! (runs away, Lee hot on his heels)

Unknown to them, someone was sitting up in a tree with her journal, having just heard everything that had gone on.

Guess who.

Sakura: Sasuke-kun... is in _love _with me? Dear Diary...

THE END.

...or is it? If the little innocent peoples would like there to be multiple chapters with Lee giving advice to Naruto, Neji, Shikamaru, Gaara, Kankuro, and Kakashi (LOL), review!


	2. Shikamaru's Confession

Ok ,peeps. Due to large amounts of e-mail and fan ranting, I have decided to make more chapters. Hooray! this one's Shikamaru's advice thingy, just in case you're an idiot who doesn't know anything. Oh, well. ON WITH SHIKAMARU! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Shikamaru's Confession**

(S is Shikamaru and L is Lee... obviously.)

S: Ohayou, Lee. I was visiting Sasuke in the hospital and he told me that you were giving dating advice.

L: He told you right! Why did you want to know?

S: Well, I need some.

L: ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH SAKURA, TOO!

S: No, nothing like that! In fact, I'm not even sure if I'm in love with her. But I like her a lot.

L: Are we still talking about Sakura here?

S: No! We're talking about the girl _I _like, remember?

L: Oh. Who's the girl, again?

S: Um... well, she's a girl on my team.

L: Ah! Ino! I always knew you two would end up together!

S: You're weird, not to mention troublesome.

L: Okay, so why don't you tell Ino you like her.

S: Because, she's all for Sasuke.

L: Sasuke won't ever love her.

S: How do you figure that?

L: Because he's in love with Sakura and Sakura's in love with him and I wish them happieness...

S: But Sasuke'd never admit that!

L: That's why, after he dropped off flowers on her doorstep, I wrote his name on the card.

(At this moment, there is a loud, "SASUKE! ARE YOU ALRIGHT! I GOT YOUR FLOWERS, AND I THINK IT'S SOOO SWEET!" from the direction of the hospital, followed by a "HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE FROM ME!")

S: Wow... so can you help me?

L: Yes. BRING HER BEEF STROGANOFF!

S: Are you sure there's nothing wrong with you?

L: Yes...

S: Good. Now, seriously. How do I do this?

L: Well...

(At the Yamanaka Flower Shop...)

L: Come on, you can do this.

S: Troublesome... (He walks into the shop. As usual, Ino's at the counter. Shikamaru wordlessly leans over it and presses his lips against Ino's.)

L: (Runs away laughing like a maniac)

I: Shikamaruuuuuuuu!

S: AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Nat: They later found Shikamaru bleeding and beat up underneath a two-ton bulldozer. (nods)

More to come when I have 12 reviews!


	3. Neji in Love?

Hi, people. Yeah, I got bored in school today so I decided to make another chapter to the story! And I haven't added a chapter in a while, so please bear with me! Okay… the end…

**On With The Story!**

(Note: N is Neji and… oh I don't need to do this anymore, do I? Good."

N: Uh, hey Lee.

L: Hello, Neji!

N: Er… if I ask you for dating advice, are you going to tell me to bring beef stroganoff to her house?

L: Of course! Beef stroganoff is very youthful!

N: -.-U

L: So… do you want dating advice or not?

N: Yes!

L: Excellent! Who do you like?

N: If I tell you, I'll also tell Gai-sensei you were plucking your eyebrows yesterday!

L: No! And, uh…

N: Yes?

L: Did I tell you I saw Tenten and Sasuke making out yesterday?

N: What! Where!

L: Gotcha.

N: Damn…

L: Okay! Now, let's go buy Tenten some flowers! And beef stroganoff! YUM!

N: I'm beginning to think that this was a mistake.

L: Hahaha, of course you are! Let's go.

N: Oh, fine…

(Half an hour later…)

L: See! Now you're all dressed up and ready to ask Tenten out!

N: You know that I hate you, right, Lee?

L: Oh, come on! You look fantabulous in that suit!

N: Is fantabulous even a word?

L: Uh… yes?

N: Pfft! Yeah, _right._

L: Whatever! Now, let us youthfully walk down the path of life and dating!

N: I think Gai-sensei has brainwashed you.

L: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF GAI-SENSEI IN VAIN?

N: Okay, okay! If I ask Tenten out will you get off my back?

L: Of course!

N: Okay. There she is now. (Goes up to Tenten.) Tenten, will you – ULP – will you go out with me?

T: Sure!

L: Finally! The fountain of youth has Neji in its favor! He will _not _go to the hospital in his girlfriend's wrath!

T: You mean you set me _up?_

N: No, no, no, no, no, nothing like that!

T: You creep! (WHAM!)

L: Oh, my god…

N: TENTEEEEEEEEEN! (screams, bangs, explosions, and the sound of many, many shurikens and kunai preparing to imbed themselves inside of a certain Hyuuga's body.)

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

And there you have it, peoples! Chapter 3 of Rock Lee's Dating Service! ALL REVIEWS WELCOME!

-Natsyourlord


	4. Sunsets are your enemy, Naruto!

HOLY CRAP! THIS THING HAS 50 REVIEWS AND ONLY HAS 3 - NO, STARTING NOW, _4 _CHAPTERS! THIS IS RANDOM AND FREAKY! Okay... that's done... alright.This chapter is Naruto's, and I absolutely refuse to do the little "N is Naruto and L is Lee" thing again. All it does is take up space! So you'd best figure this out from now on: I WILL NOT DO IT, GET IT GOT IT GOOD!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoO**

N: Uh... Lee?

L: Hi, Naruto-kun! Are you going to ask for dating advice, also?

N: How'd you guess?

L: Oh, just a feeling... anyway, are you going to tell me the youthful name of your youthful crush or not, youthful Naruto-kun?

N: Alright, first, yeah, it's Hinata. Second, _way _too many "youthfuls" in that sentence.

L: You can NEVER have too much youth! Now, anyway, first we must drop off beef stroganoff at the Hyuuga Estate! Come!

N: Instead of beef stroganoff, can I drop off ramen?

L: No, Naruto! Ramen is not youthful enough!

N: But ramen is yummy and tasty and warm...

L: Hey! That's my line in the first chapter!

N: I know it is! But beef stroganoff isn't as yummy and tasty and warm as ramen!

L: Nuh-uh!

N: Uh-huh!

L: Nuh-uh!

N: Don't you nuh-uh my uh-huh!

L: Hey, that's from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody!

N: Hey, yeah, you're right!

L: _Dun, shoo-oop-_

N: _Here I am in your li-ife!_

L: _Here you are in mi-ine!_

N: _Yes, we have a sweet li-ife, most of the tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!_

L: _Yes you and me, we got the world to see, so come on do-own!_

N: _Just me and you know wha- _Wait a minute. LEE! Will you just tell me how to tell Hinata I like her!

L: Okay, okay. Bring her to...

(Insert period of time here)

_Knock, knock._

H: Hello? Oh, h-hi, N-Naruto-kun.

N: Uh... Hinata? Can I show you something?

H: Um... wh-what is it, N-Naruto-kun?

N: Follow me.

(At some other place by the seashore...)

H: W-wow... this is b-b-beautiful!

N: Yeah, sunsets are great. You know what else is great?

H: Mnn?

N: You. (He leans over and kisses Hinata. Hinata faints.)

L: (Coms out from hiding behind a rock) Oops.

N: I told you, you moron! I knew she would faint! DIE, DIE, DIE!

L: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

My apoligies for the long update. school has kept me busy, busy, busy...

Oh, and by the way? If you're wondering what happened to Lee, he used his awesome eyeballs to hypnotize Naruto. Naruto jumped off a cliff and landed in the hospital (no pun intended) along with all the other victims of Rock Lee's Dating Service. Ciao for now!

-Natsyourlord


	5. Kakashi Knows Best

Hiya, everybody. If you read the last chapter of Campfire Geeks which really isn't a chapter, you will know that Kakashi is the next victim of Rock Lee's Dating Service! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I don't own Naruto. There! No "Disclaimer" sign at the front! HAHAHA!

**Kakashi Knows Best**

K: Uh, Lee?

L: Hi, Kakashi-san!

K: Why the hell are you sitting at a poorly made roadside stand with a sign that reads, "Rock Lee's Dating Service"?

L: Because I have a dating service!

K: Hmm... okay. Mind if I give you a few... _youthful..._ tips?

L: Oh, Kakashi-san! (goes all sparkly-eyed) Would you really?

K: Of course! Now, number one: before giving dating advice, you must give the client cheddar cheese.

L: But, of course! It is youthful mold of the milk!

K: O.O okay... number two: make sure that you give the client a... _youthful... _blue-colored wig to wear before he goes in front of the girl he likes.

L: It's genius!

K: Next, make them climb a tree!

L: Why?

K: To build up manly strength, of course!

L: Yes! MANLY!

K: Next, spray them with this. (holds out bottle that looks simlar to a cologne bottle)

L: What is it?

K: Anko-attracting spray!

L: But isn't Anko crazy? (Anko runs past, wearing only a loin cloth and screaming, "Wee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Funky banana peel lemony avocado-shaped electric fence covering fat lady seven! YOOP YOOT WOOT WHEE FICKLE FART!" while dragging behind her a naked, covered in soap-suds, clutching a rubber duck, sobbing Shino)

K: Exactly! If they can survive Anko, they can survive anything! And that means that they're youthful! Get it?

L: Yes, Kakashi-san, I think I do! Hey, wait a minute... I think that Gai-sensei said he would be hanging around with you today. What has happened to him?

K: Well, Lee, I'll tell you... if you tell me first.

L: Okay! Hey, wait a minute...

K: What?

L: But... where _is _Gai-sensei?

K: He's lactose intolerant. Too bad for him, he ate cheese.

L: And that means...?

K: He's farting away on the toilet.

L: Oh.

K: Now back to the tips on dating advice...

L: .

K: Next, after spraying him with the Anko-attracting spray, put handcuffs on his wrists and ankles.

L: Why?

K: Because it's _youthful_!

L: YAY, YOUTHFUL!

K: Now, Lee, the last thing to do, after spraying him with the spray and latching the handcuffs on him, is to place him down on the ground and then run away.

L: Why?

K: DId you see Shino?

L: Yes... what about Shino?

K: He was under _youthful_ training!

L: Youth! Yes! (NYL: the word youth is really starting to get annoying to type...)

K: Alrighty... now show the world what you're made of!

L: YEAH! BEEF STROGANOFF! (runs off whooping)

K: I can't wait to see who his first victim will be.

OoOoOoOoOoO

Ya, that's the end of this chapter... short, I know.

More will come when I'm done with my end-of-term exams...


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